top of page

I used to be afraid of birth...

Updated: Feb 19, 2022

Birth. Yup totally was...I heard the stories, I saw the movies. All the people portraying pain and fear. It was easy to fear birth seeing all that shit. I can't blame people, look how it's portrayed!

It's not to say years of being in the birth realm has made it so I'm completely free of fears of birth. That would be untrue. I am generally afraid of how families are treated within the medical model. The over-medicalization of birth is a pretty scary thing. Yes, we are evolving and things are better about birth in a sense. I mean we are not having "Twilight Births" with forceps and straight jackets anymore so there's that. But the "coercion through love" thing is certainly still very much alive and well.

What do I mean by this? "Coercion through love"

It's when a provider sets you up for a pre-determined intervention (usually makes it easier for them ) as a ways of "saving you and your baby." Typically the provider uses an "I care about you" tone and may even infantilize the birthing person to convince them this is what they need. Fear happens, low-key coercion happens. They pulled rank on you, convince you to do things their way, then praise you for following their direction and then leave you alone until it's "time to push". Manipulative much? YUP!

When Birth is managed it disempowers the birther and that's what I fear about birth. When trusted providers pull a bait and switch and suddenly you're on the board with "pit", "epi" or my least favorite term "section" next to your name. You didn't want that, so how did it happen?

Read on to learn how to prevent this form of low key coercion.


"Shoulder dystocia is an OB's worst nightmare and your baby is measuring big"

What they don't tell you:

a. Ultrasounds are not accurate at measuring baby's weight. (off by 2 lbs either way)

b. Shoulder dystocia can happen to a baby at any size.

c. Babies typically don't grow bigger than the space they are provided unless there is true gestational diabetes and cephalopelvic disproportion which is rare.

"Your blood pressure is high so you need to be induced to avoid pre-eclampsia"

What they don't tell you:

A. Your blood volume increases to 50 % by 28 weeks and naturally your blood pressure will increase due to the excess work your body has to do to pump the excess blood.

B. They won't tell you, that you should actually get your blood pressure read at the end of the appointment, not the beginning especially if you have white coat syndrome, driving fears, or when you're running late and rushing in.

C. It's a variation of normal to have pre-hypertensive numbers especially in labor because your body is under stress. Pre-hypertensive numbers are 140/90. When numbers get up to 160/110 then you worry and take immediate action to calm your mind and body and see what kind of help you need either with homeopathy, herbs or medicine.

D. Blood pressure can be affected by the wrong cuff size. Plus sized? Make sure they use the larger cuff.

E. Blood Pressure is positional and ever changing even while you sleep. It's higher when you sit vs when you lie down. Technically you should be lying down with arm fully supported while getting your blood pressure read. Reading should be checked on left side and in a darkened room to reduce neocortical stimulation.

F. Not all high blood pressure reads turn into pre-eclampsia. You need to look at all of the factors. What are your protein levels? (+2 and above should raise eyebrows) They should do a 24 hour catch to get an accurate view of protein levels. Trace amounts of protein and glucose are a variation of normal due to the extra blood volume so there's a natural spillage that occurs especially in later pregnancy so we are looking for high numbers here.

Are you getting sharp headaches. Have upper epigastric pain? Swelling of the upper body? (Lower body edema is a variation of normal) Are you seeing sparkles, spots or having blurred vision? Is your blood pressure incredibly high (160/110 or over) ? Have you had sudden weight gain? (10 lbs in 1 week for instance) Do you feel off, and anxious along with all of the above? Then you should get checked and an induction is an appropriate next step as pre-eclampsia is nothing to mess with.

That is a very good reason for induction, but the early induction scheduled to avoid the possibility of pre-pre eclampsia with a whole lot of dead baby talk is a form of coercion. The stress of these talks also raises blood pressure and anyone with a cuff in hand will signal to the nervous system that you are not safe and bad news is to come. Then poof, your blood pressure rises. I've seen it time and time again.

Here's a tip:

It's not about how high your blood pressure gets but how LOW you can get it. A good provider will nourish this need for another reading. To get an accurate reading of true pre-hypertension it's about taking a series of blood pressure readings every thirty minutes over the course of 4 hours or 2 readings 6 hours apart and both remain high despite position, calm environment etc...

36 Week appointment: You baby is done growing and is safe to come out next week. Let's schedule your babies birthday! If you go "over your due date" there is a higher risk of stillbirth so this is safer option for your baby. Don't you want your baby in your arms?

What they don't tell you....

A. Inductions can be upwards to 5 days. I have attended a few. Average is about 2/3 days and most inductions done super early (37-39 weeks ) with a low Bishops score end in long inductions or cesarean because the body and baby were just not ready. Failure to progress is typically the diagnosis code stamped on peoples medical charts. Like you failed? No, they failed YOU. If you needed an induction, that's one thing but this is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about unnecessary inductions leading to unnecessary cesareans. and stories I hear like this...

"I'm so lucky I was at the hospital when my babies heart rate dipped! I had an emergency cesarean and I'm so grateful to my Dr! If I was at home, we wouldn't have lived!"

It's really more like, "When the interventions and drugs that my doctor convinced me to do, which then lead to my babies system to become hyperstimulated, which then caused fetal distress which then my doctor was able to save us from." (Face-smack )

If you were at home, you wouldn't have had any of those interventions so that journey likely would not have happened. Transfers happen, yes but it's not as common as you may think. I hope you sense my tone here. I'm not anti-hospital btw, big fan of good ones but I'm talking about those providers and hospital systems that set you up to fail for a profit.

B. Speaking of which, doctors make more money when you use induction drugs, get an epidural and have a cesarean.

C. This topic will be another post coming up....You need continuous monitoring while on Cytotec, Cervidil and Pitocin and any other medication.

Plus sized? You may be forced to remain in one spot due to the monitors not reading the heart monitor for the baby well enough. My advise, moving your body is best, let them chase you. You need to move. Another option is an internal fetal monitor but that comes with breaking your waters, (also another post) and risk of infection since they have to put a tiny spiral thread into babies scalp to get their heart rate. It will allow you to move so if waters are already broken, go for it if it feels right to you.

You can also just put your foot down, say f*#% your policies and if you are not on any medications say "No thank you, I will only have intermittent monitoring please".

You can also just stay home if you're healthy. That's what I am doing next baby!

D. They may not let you eat even though that is outdated advice. Do you know that they don't want you to eat in case you need a cesarean, but "failure to progress" the biggest reason for cesarean birth. Why do some people get "failure to progress"?


Something food and rest can help you with. Here's some more food for thought, "Rates of aspiration during general anesthesia for cesarean delivery have been estimated to be 0.1%, 0.7% with observed regurgitation. Aspiration during cesarean delivery has evolved from being a leading cause of anesthetic-related maternal mortality several decades ago to a very rare cause today." Read More Here

These are just a few of the more common "coercion through love" tactics I hear about from my clients. These were used on me too! I have more to share so stay tuned!

That's what happens. Time and time again, my well-educated, brilliant, open-minded, self-directed clients are getting coerced due to these common scare tactics without getting the full picture, the whole story, the truth.

So ya, I'm not afraid of birth itself. Birth unfolds as it needs to especially when it's supported properly and takes the journey it is meant to take. It can be short and intense. It can be long and exhausting. It can be calm and supported, it can be primal and alive, it can be unexpected, it can be disappointing, it can be orgasmic, it can be joyful, it can be unassisted, empowering and free. Birth is always Brave and never linear. Birth can be so many things but it doesn't need to be feared. Fear is the enemy of birth. They cannot dance together. For Birth to flow and unfold, the nervous system must feel safe and hormones must be able to flow freely. Fear stops things in its tracks and tells the body to fight/flight/freeze. That's why I'm afraid of the people working for birth that don't understand that simple concept. Birth is NORMAL. Birth is safe and should not be feared. Do your medicine when we need you, not when we don't.

So how can you prevent this from happening to your experience? How can you be sure you aren't part of a bait and switch tactic? The "Sure, we'll "LET" you" type of talks should be your first red flag but ....

Here's some more tips

  • Hire a doula, birth coach, birthkeeper or virtual doula! We are trained professionals that know and understand birth and we don't fear the process and can guide you through it if you need us to. We are there to tease out details, offer suggestions, information about interventions, position ideas, comfort measures, advocate and witness you. We become a trusted member of your team and sometimes your family!

  • Interview a few midwives and Dr's so you find the right fit. Just because you have been going to see them forever, doesn't mean they are the best for your birth experience. Also interview your place of birth. What is the cesarean rate, epidural rate, induction rate. Gathering that info can ensure you catch some major red flags.

  • Also ask your self, do you want to hire a surgeon and expert on pathology (an OB) or an expert on female reproductive health and family-centered care like a midwife?

  • GET YOUR PARTNER ON BOARD! Yes I am yelling! lol. 😂 No partners in the corner. They will need to advocate for you. They must use B.R.A.I.N.S. when asking about interventions suggested and be your voice. What are the Benefits, the Risks, Alternatives, what's your Intuition saying, What if we did Nothing and always ask for Space to talk things out alone and with trusted members of your team. Local to CT? Take my Partner Prep class! Self-paced option coming out this year too so stay tuned!

  • Educate, educate, educate!!! Take a childbirth class that speaks to you, read a few books that talk about birth physiology so you understand what is normal in birth, listen to podcasts like "Birthful" with Adriana Losada, "The Birth Hour" a birth story podcast, "Taking Back Birth" with Indie Birth creators Maryn and Margo, "Evidence Based Birth" with Rebecca Deckar. Going for a VBAC? There's "VBACLink" and "The VBAC Homebirth Stories Podcast." to listen to. Fill your head with real stories, real facts and real birth. Stay away from those due date groups! YIKES!

  • Make a birth preference template. Not to just make a "plan" but to share how you want to be treated. Second time (or more) around? Maybe share your previous experience and how you and your partner want to be treated this time around. Most importantly, share how you want your baby to be treated as well. Yes or no to newborn shots? Yes/no to formula? Yes/no pacifiers, Yes/no to sugar water, Yes/no to circumcision? You have the right to a calm, connected birth and to decline/accept things for your baby. I do a birth preference consultation if you ever get stuck!

  • Watch normal birth videos especially home births so you can see how birth evolves without intervention. It's important to know and learn about physiological birth (how birth as it unfolds naturally) so you know what's normal in birth and then the process is not as scary as you've been told. Watch "These are my Hours" or join me for a viewing party coming soon in my Private group! I always love watching the "Business of Being Born" series too!

  • Gather all that you learned and try to apply the basics of what birth needs to flow to where ever you decide to give birth. In undisturbed birth you really see how the hormonal flow can help you have a calmer experience so recreate that flow with low lights, soft touch, hydrotherapy, self-hypnosis, have affirmations all around you, use breathing techniques, move your body, stay upright as much as you can and always go back to your breath when things get tough. You can do all of that anywhere you choose! Ask nurses to turn off lights, talk low, and reduce neocortical stimulation so birth can unfold as it needs.

  • Learn relaxation tools like what I teach in my HypnoBirthing and partner prep classes. Practices breathing techniques every day. Do spinning babies exercises and stretch and move your body. Walking is a great way to help your pregnancy, your mind and body. Nourish your body and advocate for your health by choosing better options. Get some community too!

Wanna take a class with me?

I have virtual and in-person options. I teach all these advanced relaxation, breathing and self-hypnosis techniques along with comprehensive education in my HypnoBirthing classes. Comfort measures and advocacy in my Partner Prep class and I have a Self-paced Mini Childbirth Education class that I also teach live monthly! Here's my list of classes and be sure to buy my guides and workbooks in my shop!

Hi, I'm Ailish!

I'm a birth and postpartum doula, Student independent midwife with the Matrona, HypnoBirthing instructor, Perinatal Coach and Consultant, Reiki practitioner, Gentle Sleep and Parenting Coach. I bring so many different experiences and trainings to the table! I help families overcome the overwhelm through my holistic approach to birth& gentle sleep support so you can parent mindfully & confidently from Pregnancy to Pre-School🤰🤱🏻👧🏻

In my free time, I'm a total plant hoarder & gardener. I love collecting crystals. I am a big fan of animals and wish to have a farm someday. I'm a nature lover and love to hike. I'm a craft starter/never finisher and a birth artist & affirmation maker. I used to love antiquing, farmers markets, canning and pickling but I rarely have time these days because I'm too busy helping families have strong beginnings!

Are you a new parent? Struggling to find a community? Have questions? Join my private group here!

Recent Posts

See All
bottom of page