**Trigger warning ** I will be talking about pregnancy loss.
This is number 4.
This is 4 documented times I was pregnant one minute and not the next. 4 times I had hope and then lost it all. 4 times by body betrayed my heart. 4 times a dream of a baby in my arms around an arbitrary estimated due date that wouldn't happen.
This baby took us 2 years to make and 8 weeks to lose. It's not fair.
I did all of the things. Lost the weight, gave up drinking, took the supplements, cleansed the soul, got the crystals, massaged the belly, tracked the things, drank the drink, took the prenatal's, cut out all of the things. But still I have an empty womb. Still I bleed...yet again.
I remember feeling so amazed and proud I was pregnant, especially naturally at 40. I remember walking around the store the day after we found out, smiling just knowing I had a little secret that no one knew about. I made a life with my husband and that life was growing secretly in my womb. I was so very confident everything would be ok too. I kept affirming myself that I was a good person, there's no way another loss would happen again. If there was a god, she wouldn't do that to me again. I was so sure.
Here is a glimpse into my experience this past week.
Day 1: It started with a tiny bit of brown spotting on Sunday that went away. Ok no big deal but then woke up Monday morning in a blood bath. Happy Valentines day to me. Just in complete shock and was still hopeful that things were going to be ok even though blood was flowing. Went into the ultrasound, still hoping it was just a subchorionic hematoma which can cause bleeding under one of the membranes (chorion) that surrounds the embryo inside the uterus. It is a common cause of bleeding in early pregnancy. Sooo hopeful all the way until they told me they saw no baby. I had likely passed it or it had detached from the wall and was still waiting to leave me. I went into crisis mode and needed to make sure it wasn't in the tubes. They found a cyst but no baby.
Day 2: In complete shock. Cancelled my classes and calls. Decided to write a blog post or 2, did 5 hours of work with my side job at PSI CT, wrote a sleep plan, a birth plan. I wrote and scheduled 3 weeks worth of posts for IG . Watched "Fantastic Fungi" and "Heal" on Netflix...again. In complete shock and clearly working to distract myself. I don't think I stopped crying all day. Grateful for Reiki today.
Day 3: In so much pain today. Really put my hypnobirthing skills to the test. Cried all day. Lots of physical pain happening, the bleeding slowed but I knew more was inside due to the lower back pain I constantly felt. Started putting my new homeopathic skills to the test so I started taking Ignatia 30c for the sadness and loss. Sepia and Caulophyllum 30c to help move things along in the uterus and took arnica 200ck for the pain. I definitely started feeling it all working later in the day. I had a big full bodied cry too. Today was supposed to be my first ultrasound and appointment. I'm just grateful I didn't have to hear the heartbeat and then lose the baby. At least that.
Day 4: Still in pain, I'm getting angry now. "Why me" is going through my head. A lot. Feeling like how can I go through this again, what if this happens again, what if Adam doesn't want to try again. Did I miss my shot at being a mother again? Did I miss my chance to give Maggie a sibling around her age and from the same parents? Lot's of what if's and feeling pretty mad about it. I can't speak to anyone without crying still. Maggie says to my mom "mommy lost her baby and I wish she wasn't sad all the time." I nearly lost it.
Day 5: Trip to get checked out. Pain is gone now that all of the products of conception seem to be out. I feel like I can start healing now. All I can think about is trying again.
Day 6: Just kidding...Woke up feeling not well physically. Had to cancel my day....again.
Very grateful to my understanding clients. I was transparent with them and one by one I heard the me too's. So sad. There's so many of us. Yet we sit in silence and shame. No more of this, this is why I speak. 1 in 4 people experience loss.
I'm feeling grateful for a few things. This week, I had friends offering to come by, family coming to help out so I could heal. People checking in. I had a good friend do distance reiki on me. All my clients are being understanding of the situation and the need for healing. I'm grateful I didn't keep this to myself. I was so excited that if you came in contact with me, you likely knew by the end of the conversation. So although it was hard to tell people one by one, it was also incredibly healing too. This time I wasn't alone. This time I didn't have to suffer in silence.
Day 7: This is a long loss and every day is a new feeling or hardship. Happy Maggie is off from school this week so I don't have the run around. This week is a lot of reschedules from this past week but it will keep me busy so that's good. Trying to move my body and teaching a couple of classes today.
My first class this morning was class 2 where I read a poem to the baby in the womb and I nearly lost it. I mustered all the strength to hold it in. It's not about me, they have the right to learn and be free of my wounds. I held it in. I also showed a beautiful home birth video and I welled right up. I think they saw but I drank ice cold water, took deep breaths and held it together...kinda. My afternoon class was the last class of Hypnobirthing where we talk about birthing the baby, protecting the birther, the perineum and the freedom of movement. All that good info and I was ok! I didn't get triggered and felt like ok I can do this. It's all going to be ok. Just keep moving forward, keep teaching, keep sharing, keep expanding. I'm not going to let this break me.
Today is day 8 and I'm still feeling off and that's ok. I'm just going to keep advocating for myself, get clear on my goals and get my health in check. I ate my feelings this week and I don't feel bad about it either. I deserved to comfort myself and if that means eating cereal (my fav) for breakfast lunch and dinner, then so be it. Today I am working, running to the store, have an appt and will get some fresh air with my daughter, friend and her son later this afternoon. Each day, I will get stronger and each day I will get louder in my work. Each day will be easier for Adam. Each day will be easier for Maggie. She really wants me to have a baby and she longs for a sister. It's hard to have her continue to ask at but I will not tamp down her feelings to suppress mine either. We are just going to be honest and let feelings flow as they need. Shoving things down never helped anyone. Plus, I'm not done trying yet.
Have you had a loss? Let's talk about it! Join my private community on FB and join my support groups coming to Manchester CT in April. Be sure to seek a perinatal therapist too so they can help you walk through processing your loss and we'll be here as your community who understands. Here's a great resource to get the support and care you need. Postpartum Support International/ PSI CT Chapter
I know I will be doing so.
Be well, you are not alone, I am not alone. We can get through this.